Tuesday, March 30, 2010

My weight history.

As a child, I was a normal weight until I was about 7 or 8 years old. My aunt and her two kids moved into the house with me and my mom, and took over everything. I never ate when I was bored or upset, but that changed when they arrived. Here's what my mom and I think happened- I started eating food so they couldn't get it, because they always stole my food. For example: my mom or aunt would bring home a special treat for us (say, three ice cream sandwiches). Her kids would devour the treat as soon as it came in the door. I wasn't in a hurry to eat it- I would put it away until I wanted it. However, when I decided I wanted it and went to get it, it was never there. One (or both) of them would have already eaten it on me without asking. So I guess I started eating things as soon as they came in the house, even though I wasn't hungry, just so I'd get some of whatever it was before it was gone.

I hit puberty before all the other girls in my class and had the curves of a grown woman when I was still in middle school. By 6th grade, I had a woman's hips and boobs (a C cup at age 12!), and the stretch marks that accompanied them. As a teen, I was always bigger than my peers. Not like grossly obese, just not "average" size. In 8th grade, I wore a juniors' size 11/13 pants. In 10th grade, I was a size 12/14. I went through a lot of shit between high school and now. Currently, I'm a 16/18. My weight hasn't gone up a whole lot. My problem hasn't been so much with weight gain, but with lack of weight LOSS. I've tried every diet in the book. I've exercised my ass off (planned my workouts according to what the books and magazines say women should do). The weight just wouldn't come off.

I was around 220 pounds before I started fertility treatments. During my IVF cycle, I was 228. I actually lost 6 pounds when I got pregnant, and didn't get back up to 228 pounds until my third trimester. I gained weight after that, but not at a fast rate- I gained 19 pounds total for my whole pregnancy. When I checked into the hospital to deliver (at exactly 40 weeks), I weighed 247 pounds. A week later, after being in ICU, I was down to 235. At three weeks postpartum, I weighed 219. Today, I'm at 213.

Now, I don't have a delicate, girly bone structure, and I've always been pretty muscular: I'm built like a bulldog- short and stout. Even without the excess fat, I'm not small (unless, of course, you're talking about height). Even with the extra weight, I don't look as fat as other women I see who weigh the same amount. According to all the charts I've seen online, I should weigh 128-143 pounds for someone with a large frame. I think this is ridiculous. I think my frame alone weighs about 120 pounds! I think I'd look like a crack head if I weighed 128 pounds with this frame, so I'm going to shoot for about 160.

From being so sick and unable to do much for the last several weeks, I've lost quite a bit of muscle tone. For example, I've lost two inches off my hips, but most of that was from my body eating my glutes for fuel. I do NOT want to lose my butt- I like my butt. I have a lot of belly fat that I want gone, plus some of my thighs. I would like my boobs and butt to remain as close to their original size as possible.

Right now I'm eating a VERY low-fat diet because of my gallbladder. I'm also trying to eat more protein, less carbs- I've been a total carb-a-holic my whole life (can't get enough pasta and potatoes), and I think (ok, I pretty much KNOW) that it's probably adding to my problem. I'm actually kind of scared to have my gallbladder out. Not scared of the surgery itself, just scared of being able to eat fats again. Right now, if I eat fats I end up in so much pain I want to jump out the window, so I have a very strong will to NOT eat crap right now. I'm afraid that will will slowly deteriorate once I can eat whatever I want again. Well, I don't WANT to eat that crap, but I get cravings for it. I need to learn how to keep them at bay as much as possible, and if I HAVE to have something, I need to seriously keep it in moderation.

My workout plan is this: strength training. I've done the cardio and light weights. I've done spinning and treadmills. It does nothing for me. Forget about the Barbie weights. I'll do the cardio to warm up and get my heart pumping, but then will move onto real weights. Not 12-15 rep weights. Like 8 rep weights. That's how guys tend to burn fat, and since I'm a muscular person to begin with and have never been a "normal" girl, I'm gonna give it a shot.

It's time for a change.

Here's the background stoty:

I've had a gym membership since January 2008. You may ask, "When was the last time you used it?" I'll be honest. The last time I used it was the first week of February... 2008. Now, now, before you laugh, let me explain. It wasn't for lack of wanting to go or getting lazy- in fact, I LOVED working out. It made me feel good. Overall, I felt less tired and lethargic, and it gave me a chance to take out my aggression on something, thus reducing my stress. The reason I stopped was because of painful medical conditions (endometriosis, adenomyosis, and interstitial cystitis) that prevented me from pretty much doing anything physical. I couldn't even go walk around the mall for an hour without ending up doubled over in pain and having residual pain for the next few days.

This pain lasted until the summer of 2009, when, through the miracle of IVF, I got pregnant. Because of the shift in hormones, the endometriosis calmed down. I had no pain. In fact, I felt better than I had in the last four years combined, and felt like I could run a marathon (even though I am not built for running in the LEAST.) During my whole pregnancy, I took it easy. By taking it easy, I don't mean that I was sedentary. I mean that I did no high-impact exercise- I walked, I did housework, etc. Even though I wanted to really work out, I was scared to death that somehow something would happen to the baby. Since I had waited so long and gone through so much to finally get pregnant, I wasn't willing to even chance it. I had NO complications during my pregnancy at all.

On February 12, 2010, I delivered a perfectly healthy baby boy, who is the joy of my life. I couldn't wait until my 6 week OBGYN appointment, where I figured she would clear me to get back in the gym while I was still pain-free, since there's no knowing if or when the endometriosis pain will come back. However, I had some major setbacks that I'm still dealing with. Two days after I got home from the hospital where I delivered, I landed in ICU at a different hospital for a week. My OB sent me to the ER there because I had pounding in my head that wouldn't go away (the hospital I delivered at sent me home with it, although I kept telling them there was no change in pain even while they were feeding me percocet). Because of shoddy anesthesia care and a messed up epidural at the hospital I delivered at, I ended up with a subdural hematoma (bleeding on the brain). For the first 3 weeks of my son's life I was in bed. I could barely even sit up without the pounding in my head increasing and becoming unbearable, let alone stand up. I dreaded having to get up to use the bathroom- every time I stood up, it felt like the back of my skull was being blown off and it sounded like I had helicopters in my head. Over the next couple weeks, the pounding subsided, to be replaced by pressure and a really nasty metallic kind of feeling in my skull. The headache was still there, but at least I could get up and move. It's now been 6.5 weeks since I delivered, and there's still blood and spinal fluid on my brain. I still get headaches and once in a while I get the pressure/metallic feeling. The neurosurgeon still won't even let me drive, let alone work out. I had another CT scan yesterday, so we'll see what that reveals.

On top of the brain issue, my gallbladder is shot and I need to have it removed ASAP. I had a 48-hour gallbladder attack after I delivered, but didn't know that's what it was (I had no idea I had gallbladder problems). I chalked the pain up to a pulled muscle in my back, since that's where I was feeling it the most, and the doctors just took my word for it, even though I described the symptoms I was having. But I guess it's a good thing they didn't diagnose me properly, because they would have operated without knowing about the bleeding on the brain and it could have been disastrous. I was scheduled to have my gallbladder out a week and a half ago, but the neurosurgeon doesn't want me to risk it. He'll reevaluate that decision when he gets the images from yesterday's CT scan. I can barely eat anything- anything with any normal amount of fat triggers excruciating gallbladder attacks that last 4+ hours, and there's nothing I can do to releive the pain.

So that's where I am now. Waiting for clearance to have my gallbladder out. HOPEFULLY I can get into the gym after I recover from the surgery.