My weight history.

As a child, I was a normal weight until I was about 7 or 8 years old. My aunt and her two kids moved into the house with me and my mom, and took over everything. I never ate when I was bored or upset, but that changed when they arrived. Here's what my mom and I think happened- I started eating food so they couldn't get it, because they always stole my food. For example: my mom or aunt would bring home a special treat for us (say, three ice cream sandwiches). Her kids would devour the treat as soon as it came in the door. I wasn't in a hurry to eat it- I would put it away until I wanted it. However, when I decided I wanted it and went to get it, it was never there. One (or both) of them would have already eaten it on me without asking. So I guess I started eating things as soon as they came in the house, even though I wasn't hungry, just so I'd get some of whatever it was before it was gone.

I hit puberty before all the other girls in my class and had the curves of a grown woman when I was still in middle school. By 6th grade, I had a woman's hips and boobs (a C cup at age 12!), and the stretch marks that accompanied them. As a teen, I was always bigger than my peers. Not like grossly obese, just not "average" size. In 8th grade, I wore a juniors' size 11/13 pants. In 10th grade, I was a size 12/14. I went through a lot of shit between high school and now. Currently, I'm a 16/18. My weight hasn't gone up a whole lot. My problem hasn't been so much with weight gain, but with lack of weight LOSS. I've tried every diet in the book. I've exercised my ass off (planned my workouts according to what the books and magazines say women should do). The weight just wouldn't come off.

I was around 220 pounds before I started fertility treatments. During my IVF cycle, I was 228. I actually lost 6 pounds when I got pregnant, and didn't get back up to 228 pounds until my third trimester. I gained weight after that, but not at a fast rate- I gained 19 pounds total for my whole pregnancy. When I checked into the hospital to deliver (at exactly 40 weeks), I weighed 247 pounds. A week later, after being in ICU, I was down to 235. At three weeks postpartum, I weighed 219. Today, I'm at 213.

Now, I don't have a delicate, girly bone structure, and I've always been pretty muscular: I'm built like a bulldog- short and stout. Even without the excess fat, I'm not small (unless, of course, you're talking about height). Even with the extra weight, I don't look as fat as other women I see who weigh the same amount. According to all the charts I've seen online, I should weigh 128-143 pounds for someone with a large frame. I think this is ridiculous. I think my frame alone weighs about 120 pounds! I think I'd look like a crack head if I weighed 128 pounds with this frame, so I'm going to shoot for about 160.

From being so sick and unable to do much for the last several weeks, I've lost quite a bit of muscle tone. For example, I've lost two inches off my hips, but most of that was from my body eating my glutes for fuel. I do NOT want to lose my butt- I like my butt. I have a lot of belly fat that I want gone, plus some of my thighs. I would like my boobs and butt to remain as close to their original size as possible.

Right now I'm eating a VERY low-fat diet because of my gallbladder. I'm also trying to eat more protein, less carbs- I've been a total carb-a-holic my whole life (can't get enough pasta and potatoes), and I think (ok, I pretty much KNOW) that it's probably adding to my problem. I'm actually kind of scared to have my gallbladder out. Not scared of the surgery itself, just scared of being able to eat fats again. Right now, if I eat fats I end up in so much pain I want to jump out the window, so I have a very strong will to NOT eat crap right now. I'm afraid that will will slowly deteriorate once I can eat whatever I want again. Well, I don't WANT to eat that crap, but I get cravings for it. I need to learn how to keep them at bay as much as possible, and if I HAVE to have something, I need to seriously keep it in moderation.

My workout plan is this: strength training. I've done the cardio and light weights. I've done spinning and treadmills. It does nothing for me. Forget about the Barbie weights. I'll do the cardio to warm up and get my heart pumping, but then will move onto real weights. Not 12-15 rep weights. Like 8 rep weights. That's how guys tend to burn fat, and since I'm a muscular person to begin with and have never been a "normal" girl, I'm gonna give it a shot.